


we won't mend, we won't grow

by foricarus (orphan_account)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Non Idol AU, Rated teen for language, Teen for language, angst w/ happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 08:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13876938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/foricarus
Summary: seungcheol can only hold so much love and flowers in his chest, and the breaking point seems closer than he thought.(jicheol hanahaki disease au)





	we won't mend, we won't grow

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from [common ground](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zfx5nGsaBao) by anthony ramos!! this fic is probably really bad and rushed, but w/e ig ://

 

 

seungcheol has an issue, and that issue’s name is jihoon. it wasn’t that jihoon was mean, if anything, he was far from it. it might’ve been because seungcheol has a big, gay crush on his best friend.

it wasn’t the worst thing to happen. honestly, seungcheol didn’t even know when it started. maybe it was when he had pink hair, maybe it was since forever. seungcheol found that his thoughts about jihoon were not very best friend-like a couple years ago. it took a very long talk with his mom to figure that out.

still, although it had been a while since he found out, he finds his heart racing whenever he’s around the smaller boy. it’s strange, honestly, but it’s second nature by now. he’s used to it.

what he wasn’t used to was jihoon talking about his boyfriend. he barely even found out, for he had asked him why he was being so friendly 2 months into their relationship. the boy barely ever shares his feelings, so seungcheol knew not to press too much. and of course, seungcheol wants to help jihoon all his boyfriend plans/problems, but the back of his head says to not contribute to something that’ll only break his heart.

so, jihoon talked about his boyfriend every once in a while. seungcheol would try to find as many faults possible in that damn guy, but he can’t find a flaw. seungcheol’s heart was having pains. especially since the person was so wonderful, seungcheol felt horrible. he was so perfect for jihoon, so how could he split that apart?

“- and, i don’t know, he’s just really sweet and - hey are you listening?” jihoon peers into his face, making seungcheol’s heart race. being known as the coolest kid in school blushing because of a (really cute!) nerd is not what seungcheol wants to be known as. seungcheol opens his mouth to respond, but jihoon cuts him off before he can even start.

“before you give me a half-assed ‘of course!’ tell me who you like! it’s only fair if i can help you out too!!” the glint in his eyes are pure and forgiving. he can usually handle these intense looks, but he really can’t this time. his heart squeezes. his feelings have been more amplified since he found out about jihoon’s boyfriend.

“i really don’t like anyone, so don’t sweat it!” jihoon gives him a suspicious glance, then goes back to talking about his boyfriend.

seungcheol felt like this was torture. his feelings for the boy weren’t going away. he felt sick to his stomach. he gives jihoon a lame excuse and rushes to the toilet in the boy’s bathroom at school.

he throws up. and throws up. and throws up ‘til he can’t anymore. he grimaces at the pain in his chest, but jumps away at the sight of flowers. daffodils. tons and tons of daffodils. he’s confused for a moment, then searches up the meaning on his phone.

_ “the daffodil is associated with ‘uncertainty’, ‘chivalry’, ‘respect’ or ‘unrequited love’.” _

seungcheol doesn’t think twice about what these flowers mean for him.

 

* * *

 

seungcheol feels the pain often. not often enough that he’s not used to it, he’ll never be used to it, but often enough that he knows the feeling too well. sometimes it’s tame, other times it burns badly.

his feelings for jihoon were hopeless. jihoon could never like him back, but seungcheol could never stop liking him. this is seungcheol’s doomed life.

jihoon went on dates with his boyfriend every other week, going to carnivals or fancy restaurants. all seungcheol could ever think about was how  _ he  _ should’ve been the one taking jihoon out.

he always knew that he and jihoon would be friends forever and nothing more, so why did he fall for the other boy? he was all too sweet, or all too caring. he never saw the boy that people thought was the devil, or bossy, or anything crude. jihoon was perfect in his eyes, and those thoughts turned out to be not very best friend-like. he has thought that way of jihoon forever, so why does he only throw up flowers now?

he searched up what the disease was one day, he was too afraid to search it up when it started. when is started, though, was a  _ long  _ time ago. “hanahaki disease” is what they called it, so seungcheol believed it. having the disease meant that your feelings weren’t returned. seungcheol knew this was the case with jihoon, but he didn’t think it would hurt more knowing it for real.

he feels a lurch in his stomach and rushes to the bathroom. he throws up. he’s never been used to the burn, and it’s not starting anytime soon. the thing is, the flowers are different. he hasn’t experienced that yet. striped carnations fill the toilet this time. he takes out his phone once more.

_ “it signifies rejection or refusal.  it says that you can’t be with someone or it’s a simple no to a lover’s affections.  because it has a mix of colors in it, it’s seen to mean a gentler rejection compared to what you would get from yellow carnations.” _

the frown on his face is deep.

 

* * *

 

“he broke up with me.” he says as he collapses into seungcheol’s arms. his arms are too comforting, even when he’s been neglected. jihoon trembles and sobs.

seungcheol sits there and listens to his tears. he feels pain in his chest, unwelcome and burning. a small hope lights up in his chest too, but he pushes that away in hope of his best friend feeling better.

“why did he break up with you?” he asks softly, not wanting to cause jihoon to break more. he watches as the smaller boy takes a deep breath in attempt to answer, but collapses in tears again. seungcheol shushes him gently, stroking his head.

they hear pattering on the window and look to see rain. it feels too sincere and too meaningful all at once. jihoon always did like the rain.

“i thought he was the one.” the smaller boy says, looking longingly out the window. his tears are wiped away by seungcheol’s soft  _ “i know” _ s.

the pain in his chest stills, but is present. he doesn’t throw up that night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

seungcheol had been overwhelming himself with homework and other things. jihoon didn’t want him to get hurt, or anything of the sort. this led to jihoon visiting seungcheol.

he entered the room to find seungcheol sleeping with a prickly rose next to him. a note next to it said  _ “6 months, but no development.” _ and was written in seungcheol’s neat handwriting.

he was breathing slowly, and jumped when jihoon placed a hand on his back. his face washed over with panic, then switched to relief to find jihoon there. they sat in silence while jihoon stroked his head.

“are…” he paused. “are you okay, seungcheol?”

seungcheol grimaced, but gave a weak smile. “as good as i can be.”

“so, not great?” jihoon just wanted to comfort his lonesome friend, but that didn’t seem like the case. he wanted to repay seungcheol for what he did a couple months back when he got broken up with.

“jihoon i-” he swallowed thickly. “i’m going to die.”

he says it as if it’s a dirty secret, like no one should know. seungcheol realizes a moment too soon that he overshared.  _ fuck _ . he can’t get out of this.

“what? why? you aren’t going to die, cheol.” jihoon gives him a funny look, as if he was joking.

“how do you know, jihoon? how do you know i’m going to be here when the sun shines tomorrow? how do you know that i’m not going to die.” he’s digging the hole deeper. jihoon’s funny look immediately changes to a more serious one.

“because i’m your best friend, cheol!” jihoon is exasperated. “i can’t just let you die! as your best friend, i need to save you...” the look on his face is sad. “i  _ will _ save you…” jihoon mumbles in an attempt to comfort himself more than seungcheol.

“how are you supposed to save me? do you think that i’ll stop having the  _ fucking  _ hanahaki disease just because you said that you’ll save me?” seungcheol feels the tears roll down his cheeks. jihoon’s eyes fill with panic.

“seungcheol i didn’t know it was the hana-”

“you can’t save me from a hopeless love, hoon!” seungcheol is a sobbing mess in front of jihoon. jihoon puts a hand on his shoulder.

“i - i can help you learn to love someone else, i can-” jihoon stammers, trying to form an assuring sentence.

“how can  _ you _ help if  _ you’re _ the person i’m in love with?” and seungcheol’s world crashes. jihoon freezes in shock while seungcheol panics. he didn’t mean to say that. he wasn’t planning on ever confessing that. jihoon looks at seungcheol and hesitates. he opens his mouth and closes it too many times for seungcheol to keep count. before he can get the chance to speak, seungcheol cuts him off.

“just leave me, hoon. i know the answer isn’t what i want to hear.” his voice cracks even though he tried so hard to steady it. jihoon’s look is full of pity, and all seungcheol wants to do is to sink into the ground.

jihoon turns and leaves as quick as he came. seungcheol cries silently, surrounded by the blood and roses he produced.

he keeps looking at the door, hoping for jihoon to come back.

(he doesn’t).

 

* * *

 

 

 

the next few weeks are torture. he’s been getting worse. the flowers have been getting worse. each time he throws up, the flowers are bigger and more blood is present. why, why, why did he have to fall for his best friend?

he’s been told to go through the surgery, and that seems like the best case scenario for now. the consequences make him feel uncertain about the purpose, though. the surgery would get rid of his feelings for jihoon, making him able to still love, but not be able to love jihoon that way again. his heart clenches thinking about jihoon. this  _ needs  _ to stop. seungcheol can only hold so much love and flowers in his chest, and the breaking point seems closer than he thought.

without noticing, tears well-up in his eyes once more and the tears flow and flow without stopping. he sobs, hard and ugly. his breathing becomes shallow and his thoughts are clouded with only jihoon,  _ jihoon _ ,  **_jihoon_ ** . he just wants everything to stop. he thought that maybe things would calm down after getting rejected. if anything, his feelings heightened and the flowers grew larger and more dangerous to carry in his chest. he stopped searching up the meanings, for all they did was bring him sadness and more.

a knock resounds at the door. seungcheol nervously pads over to the door. he has a hunch of who’s waiting on the other side of the door. he hopes he’s wrong.  he’s sadly right.

in his doorway stands jihoon, drenched from rain. they stare at each other. seungcheol’s chest threatens to spill its contents. he feels a strong cough coming from his body. he fights it back, though. he’s learned from practice.

“h-hey…” jihoon fidgets in his place. he tries to look brave for seungcheol, but it’s not working. he offers a weak smile to seungcheol, and honestly, he is so  _ fucking _ tired. 

“why are you here?” he doesn’t want to hear how jihoon is going to fix everything and help him get over him. he doesn’t want him to be here. he doesn’t want his  _ stupid, stupid  _ pity.

“i...i need to make things right.” the determination on his face makes seungcheol more impatient.

“oh? make things right? then  **fucking** do it lee jihoon.” seungcheol spits out angrily. “break my heart. do whatever you think is right, but i promise you that all you’re doing is playing with my feelings. do you think seeing me right now is going to make a difference on this shitty disease? because as far as i can tell, that’s not hap-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP CHOI SEUNGCHEOL.” tears glisten in his eyes as seungcheol immediately stops trying to argue. “i...i...i like you. i fucking like you! fuck that, i  _ love  _ you! i love how you take as many pictures as you can with me. i love your stupid puppy dog eyes. i love the texts i get from you. i love how caring you are. i love how you’re always there for me. i love you for loving an idiot like me. i’m so sorry i’m so stupid, cheol. if i could’ve realized earlier, maybe you wouldn’t have been suffering now.” the tears spill over and jihoon is hunched over in tears. he takes steps to hug jihoon in his arms, but he soon hunches over also.

he hacks and coughs for a long time, but no flowers leave his chest. jihoon pats his back soothingly, still wiping the tears from his eyes. seungcheol feels lighter in his chest and soul. he lets out a small laugh, which turns into him becoming a huge ball of sunlight. he laughs without his chest constricting. he looks at jihoon who has a small smile on his face. seungcheol grabs both sides of his face and pulls him into a soft kiss. no fireworks go off, and he doesn’t feel sparks when jihoon kisses him again.

**he feels like he’s home.**

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, leave comments and kudos bc i need validation :')) !! find me on [tumblr](https://dreamhoon.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/lovinhoon) to yell at me about seventeen!!


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